Here's a sample story from the book! I hope you enjoy it!
Stripe-aphobia
Something’s very wrong I tell you! Something’s very wrong. What is it that compels a grown man to lose total control of his common sense? To purge himself of every manner learned, and to have a complete absence of any ability to think logically? What is it that compels this nincompoop to disrespect every women, child and adult in a fifty-yard radius? The answer? The answer is more shocking than his behavior! A bad call from a referee - a bad call from a thirteen year old referee!
Now you would think that just being outside on the first sunny, weekend in months would be relaxing. You would think that watching your child get some exercise and having some fun would be enjoyable. You would think that your son’s team ahead by five points – at half time - in a soccer game - is calming. But nnoooo! Not for this doofus!
So there they stood. Parents from both teams gathered on the sidelines. Some sitting. Some standing. Some cheering sounds of encouragement toward their offspring. Some barely watching while catching up with an old friend. In the shadows, pacing back and forth several yards away from the other parents stood an exiled, tall, lonely man. His six foot framed, two hundred plus pound body was wrapped in a vinyl jacket adorning a Pro Football logo across the back. A colorful visor cap displayed his favorite Pro Hockey team, as he stood next to his Sports Illustrated folding chair. And where was this man’s loving wife and daughter? Incognito! Protecting themselves from what they predicted was certain to happen.
Twenty-two young children were on the field – all pretending to know what they’re doing in this game of soccer. Some kids were laughing while others were intent on being the hero. Some kids were tying their shoelaces (again!) or picking dandelions from the un-mowed grass while others were blowing kisses to their attentive Moms. All in all, it was a perfect day – until, until ‘the penalty’! The legend says - that it was in fact, a bad call. A boy from the losing team had inadvertently tripped one of the players from the winning team, while he was on a breakaway – heading towards what might have been yet another goal. The Referee, a thirteen year old, hard working kid, had blown his whistle - while the fool of a father on the sidelines had blown his temper.
As the Ref shouted out the penalty, the oxygen barely escaping from his young lungs, the Boogieman bellowed back, “Are you out of your %&^$%*# mind!!?”. All of the laughter and conversation came to an instantaneous, frightening halt! Twenty one of the twenty two kids watched in fright as the Boogieman marched passionately onto the field, while one desperate child, simply sat down, stared at the ground, almost anticipating the next few minutes. Mrs. Boogieman, held her head in her hands, and appeared to be praying for a ‘Witness Protection Program for Idiot Husbands’. The remarkable, volunteer coaches, as well as some other parents from both teams, brought the situation quickly under control, as if rehearsed and planned for. But the damage had been done! The event was ruined. The children were shocked and the child-referee was simply mortified.
Less than an hour later, at the Ice Cream stand, life was back to normal for nearly everyone. The brainless Father? He was later diagnosed as a Type 1 Stripe-aphobic. Stipe-aphobia is a growing disease affecting middle-aged men, more commonly X-jocks who are trying to live their lives through the eyes of their sons. Over exposure to black and white stripes, usually in a vertical pattern, and occasionally found on some referee shirts, have been known to trigger this uncontrollable, ignorant and irrational behavior.
While Stripe-aphobia is not at epidemic proportions yet, it is growing at an alarming rate with case after case being reported throughout the country. Professionals are unanimous in their treatment of this disease. If you feel you are ever suffering from these symptoms, simply repeat to yourself, quietly, ten times…. “It’s all about the kids! It’s all about the kids!”. A simple treatment for such a dramatic illness – yet few chose to even try it! Something’s very wrong I tell you! Something’s very wrong!
